i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
