i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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