2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
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