I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Is it because I queefed?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
