i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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