Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
