After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
