a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
