Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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