I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
