I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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