I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
