I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
