I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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