we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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