I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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