Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
