there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
He did a backflip because drugs
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
