i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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