Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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