I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
