So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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