this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
