She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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