how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
