great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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