At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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