i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
