Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
