We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
