he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
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