My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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