His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
