New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
