You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
