At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
