Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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