Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
