Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
