I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
