i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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