My sheets look like a crime scene.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
