I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Randomize
