in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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