my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
