I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
