Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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