I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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