You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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