Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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